fond but not in love

Tonight was the most enjoyable night I've had in a long while. Well, tonight in truth mainly consisted of "in a long while's"'s-- it's the first I've talked to him like that in a long while, the most fun I have had with him in a long while, the most we've been together in a long while. I miss days like this when we could shamelessly talk and laugh with each other, I miss these Tulare get togethers, I miss these old faces. However, I can't say that he is once more the object of my affection, because I know he isn't-- maybe I'm just exaggerating our time spent together, and maybe I'm the only one at the halfway point, but that's really ok, because at least we can say we're both over it. And I know that tonight signifies the end of an era because I know we're going to revert right back to how we were. But again, that's ok. I've already dropped all expectations and I'm a girl who thrives off of memories and daydreams, anyways. The only thing I regret is not staying longer than I did.

It may be really gay of me to say, but I guess you never do forget your first love. He was definately not my lover by any means-- I did not love him, and he did not love me-- but regardless, he was the closest to love, or what I interpret to be love, that I have ever experienced. But the most essential conclusion I should acknowledge is that I had a great time tonight, and that's all I need to get out of it.
I still have icing on my face and I'm pretty fond of the revolting tan on my feet now.

Anyhow, this romantic urge to spend a night at the beach has been tugging at me for some time now. Summer is at the door-- the days are getting hotter and longer, there seems to be an irritatingly excessive amount of sunshine, and I now often wake up in a pool of my own sweat. I highly dislike summer. Maybe if I could somehow catch that "summer boyfriend", then maybe it won't be so bad this year because at least I'll have someone to spend it with. But I know. He knows. And everybody else knows that it aint' happenin', haha. Still, I'm dying to spend that night wrapped in a blanket in front of a bonfire, resting my head on the shoulders of somebody I care differently for. HAHAHAHAH. I hate how gay I can be sometimes, but hey, what can I do or say to justify it?

veni vidi vici

I've realized that I have a very apathetic attitude towards life-- outside of secluding myself in my room and watching movies on my laptop, I have no hobbies or interests that I act upon whatsoever. I remember the things that I used to do; I used to draw, I used to write, I used to read. I used to somehow express my thoughts, my viewpoints, my feelings. Now my thoughts are jarred in my mind and that's where I oppress them to stay. My brain is on the verge of vomiting out every notion and contemplation I've reflected on this past year, and I beieve that a mental excretion would not be so bad an action at this point. My life could not get any more uneventful as of now. I always make the resolve to be more spontaneous and not deride of meeting of new people but rather cherish it, however, my steadfastness to the solution often fluctuates.
Which is kind of funny now that I think about it, because my orthodontist told me that I am a very inconsistent and non-cooperative patient on my last visit to her. And she also told me that I'm getting my brace off in 3-5 months, but I digress.

I look back on my doodles and I think-- most of my old work is essentially unrefined scribbles, but my persona could not be any moreso fittingly characterized.

I would be the old lady in this video, and life would be the man in the car.

Anyhow, I found the Cinco de Mayo assembly enjoyable to some extent today, moreso than the PCN assembly. The PCN assembly was exceedingly unappealing to me; everything was particularly irritating, with the exception of a one or two acts. I don't know, maybe it's just because I favor the Mexican culture over my Philippine heritage. And I ask, so what? if that is the case. Their cultual attire is beyond badass, and I am dying to get my hands on an authentic Mexican dress-- the design and embroidery detail is gorgeous. And if you didn't know, I love love love love LOVE Mexican food. Plus, Dia de Los Muertos? Again, infinitely badass.

Once their current drug war ceases to exist and this swine flu bullshit blows over, Mexico is going to be on my list of prioritized countries to visit, right next to India.

I AM SO STOKED FOR THIS.

So so so so so SOOO stoked. I am drowning in a pool of excessive love for Michael Cera.

Anyhow, I'm also thuperrr excited for the LIVE ACTION Avatar: The Last Airbender movie, too. I'm a fan of M. Night Shyamalan's directing, and I really hope he does justice to it. And I am happy to the uttmost extent because of the fact that DEV PATEL (!!!), who if you didn't know acts as Jamal in Slumdog Millionaire, is going to play Zuko.

I have a massive crush on Dev Patel; he's ridiculously adorable, and not to mention that English accent. ARGHlovelove.

Danny Boyle and Dev Patel.

Well anyhow (again), this week has been excruciatingly long despite the fact that practically every school day was a minimum day due to the CST's, and I am more than glad that it is OVERR. Now I am in desperate need of a new camera and that elusive Nikon D40 has been avoiding my grasp for far too long now.

"Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one." -Friedrich Nietzche

I don't think this quote applies more fittingly to anyone but me right now. I was too self-righteous.

I think I'm going to clear my weekend and cancel plans outside of obligations.

I've got my whole world on my shoulders. /selfpity

I wish I could break out of my hermit crab shell, and I wish I could travel the world and meet people like these:

Pictures via Stylesightings (http://www.stylesightings.com/) and Styleclicker (http://www.styleclicker.net/).

I think the 5th girl is my favorite. She's on the same tights-with-runs boat with me hehehehahahahehee and in the 3rd picture, the girl on the left-- her dress is UHHH-mazinnn'. Ughhh, I've been looking for an INEXPENSIVE dress like that, a zipper dress or what have you, but to no avail. :/ Justine and I saw one at Macy's last time we went to the mall and it was GOOJAAUUSSS BABYBEEE, but unfortunately, I didn't nor will I have $80 at my disposal for one dress anytime soon.

I didn't go to school today.
Since I had time on my hands, I rummaged through my mom's drawer of clothes and I found some old awesome tribal-ish printed dresses that were made in Indonesia. They were all at ankle-length, so I grabbed my scissors and found my sewing kit and messed around with them:

bjork x ratatat = epic